Monday, December 24, 2007

This aint right!

I love people but today I can hardly stand anyone

And that ain't right.... that ain't right at all...

and what I really want to do more than anything is bring hot chocolate to homeless people tonight. Is that possible? I might try. but probably not. because usually I only come up with great ideas and hardly ever put them into actual practice. humbling. ouch.

Please excuse me while I go get my heart rescued by my Rescuer.

"Lord, give me grace, give me forgiveness, give me love, give me patience, give me You. Take away selfishness, take away pride, take away me, take away the ugly inside...Make me less and less and less and you more and more and more."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My tummy aches...

Sometimes when I leave Josh's house... or he leaves mine... my stomach hurts. It's more of an ache. and it goes away in a few minutes, but still, is that weird? I think it might be. Overall I'm enjoying the steady descent into winter, but I must say, that leaving his arms after spending an evening with him and driving home has to be almost as harsh as the day I was born. All safe and comfortable inside my moms womb (with Brian right there of course) and then bam! the cold harsh world smacks me in the face! (or was it the toosh?) anyway, it's hard to leave, but leave we must.

oh and my sister might get a job in Chicago. and as excited for her as I am, it actually makes me quite sad when I really think about it. We don't hang out a lot here, but I like having her around. Oh well, life must go on eh?

Thursday, November 22, 2007

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Pennsylvania

Well, today was my first day back from my mini vacation to the hills of Pennsylvania with Josh. It was a much needed retreat to simplicity and couldn't have come at a better time. We had a great time four wheeling, eating, playing games... and... well.... not too much else. haha we rested a lot, ok more than a lot, and it was perfect. Except for the ticket Josh got on the way home, that wasn't so perfect... but the rest of it was!



I see in myself that when I don't spend time praying or in Gods Word, his values, truths, and desires for me mean less and less to my heart. I become more lenient in my thoughts, words, actions, and I don't like it. I can see how "falling back" is easy for some, I can see how it just sort of happens for others. But I refuse to let it happen to me. Really, I do. My life is as blessed as it is only, and I repeat ONLY because of what God has done in it, who he has brought into it, what He has taught me and the dreams He has placed inside of me. I have nothing to do with it. All I am is because of Him.



I need to make some lifestyle changes. Where is my time spent? How am I spending it? and what's it for? What really matters? and am I really living the Way I'm supposed to?

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Ouch..

Hurt is inevitable.

So is change.

No one is exempt from these two feelings, ever. All we can do is learn to deal with them appropriately and maturely. Forgive..even if no apology is offered... forgive. See the other persons perspective, bring it to God if you must, and move on.

In general I feel discouraged lately. I feel like I am constantly encountering hurt. Hurt people, hurt feelings, hurt relationships, hurt pasts, hurt presents... hurt. I feel like there is nothing that can get rid of it, it's everywhere, like some nasty disease eating people from the inside and leaving nothing but an empty desire for something more. But I have to remember and I have to constantly remind myself that I have something more. I have a Living Hope inside of me. I have The Living Hope inside of me. I have the answer. I have the cure.

and I need to remember that. That's all that matters. That's really all that matters.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Coffee and Conversations

In the past 3 days I have had 3 coffee dates and have been insanely encouraged by each of them. There is something in my feminine spirit that desperately needs relationships, good conversations, true friends, and connecting in a verbal way. Ok maybe everyone needs that, including men, but I'm telling you... I have been so blessed.

Thursday night I got together with a new friend Katrina who, as it turns out, is extremely passionate about many of the same things that I am passionate about. We had a great time conversing about our God and the things He has laid on our hearts. Friday morning I got together with Heidi Holdridge and we just talked about what is going on in our lives, she was able to give me some wisdom and guidance in a couple of areas, and I left the conversation generally quite encouraged. This morning I got together with my sweet Chelsea Gentry. Chelsea and I have a habit of getting together, catching up on the goings on in each others lives and hearts, and then dreaming about the future and what it could hold. I think that both of our futures are huge question marks that are dotted with adventure, and today we went crazy just thinking of possibilities for the future. Here are some of our ideas :-)

1. Open a shop on Main Street in Lowell that serves as a book store/ art studio/ massage therapy / coffee shop/ and dance studio as well. How amazing would that be?! We found the perfect spot for it too. This little shop right on the river with a huge window in the back looking over the water. Perfect.

2. Plant a church in Ionia someday

3. Serve on a mission field this winter/spring for a few months. Potentially Belgium or Thailand.

4. Get married on the beach at night with candles and tiki torches and ahhh gorgeous

5. Start some kind of swing dancing ministry that goes to different churches and teaches the basics of swing dance to couples for a month or so. It would be great for marriages and would really help couples connect, in my opinion.

6. Intern at the prayer room in Grand Rapids (Chelsea's dream)

7. Intern at the "At Search of a Princess" ministry in Virginia (my dream!)

8. Help the poor and needy. Feed them, love them, know them.

God is renewing my passion for life and dreams and hope. He is sending people into my life who are full of passion, life, dreams, and hope. I am so blessed.... I am so blessed... I am so blessed.

The funny thing about these conversations are that they take work. They take planning and effort and coordinating schedules. Relationships like the ones I have right now don't just happen. They are quite intentional and sooo worth it.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Feelin' Fall

I feel a change coming over me. Maybe it's fall, maybe it's a lot of things. But I feel way different this week than I did last week.

I love the trees. I drove up to Greenville today and probably exclaimed, "OOO look at that tree!" atleast 12 times. I'm pretty sure atleast half of those exclamations came in the middle of Josh's sentences. Whoops. But when you're flying down the road you only have about 2.5 seconds to point out a stunning tree before it's gone..... and rearview mirrors do them no justice. Fortunately, I don't think he cared too much. He's good like that.

I also think that if trees could talk... and you had a conversation with them and said something like, "I don't think I believe in God" that the tree you were conversing with would laugh at you.

I also think that the birds, flowers, rocks, and stars would have the same reaction.

That's all :-)

Monday, October 8, 2007

la de da....

I feel like I'm living a love song :-)



Other than that, I don't have much for you.


Except for this. and I don't mean to be all "I know what I'm doing in life" on here, but I have one thing that I just wish people would grasp more of and that is this:

Share in other peoples excitement!

Even if you have reservations, or are disappointed, or are jealous, or you're tired, or you had a bad day, or could just down right care less. It is so important to share in other peoples victories, blessings, and excitement! and it's so hard sometimes. so hard! but hard is good! hard is so good... it builds character, and hard is usually correct.. and hard is important... and hard is worth it. Be at the top of the mountain with whoever just climbed it giving them a high five.... and they will never, ever forget it. Not only that... but simply because that's what friends do. It is! Friends are there at the top saying "I knew you could do it! I KNEW it! You earned it, you waited for it, it's your blessing, take it!"

and they're also at the bottom saying... "Wow, you're surprisingly easy to catch..."


ah...I don't know... just try it. Try it once and you'll see what I'm saying....




la... deee da... dum.. .doodley... doooooo....

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Kitchen floors and new high heels

Tonight was Lowell's homecoming dance. At 11:00 I went to the high school to pick up a few of the girls from the youth group...Annelyse, Emily, Nichole, and Mary to have our own little after party. I went inside the school so that finding each other would be easiest, and I was laughing to myself at the fact that for many of those girls, tonight was the first or second night they have ever worn high heels. I don't know why that struck me as so fascinating tonight. Most of them couldn't even walk right in them. It was more of an awkward shuffle. and if they weren't doing the "how do I walk in these shoes?!" shuffle, they were carrying them because of the physical pain that is often inflicted upon the wearer haha. Heels are so adult and so representative of being a woman. I have heard several men specifically say, "I love the way a woman walks in heels". When I was a little girl I couldn't wait for the day when I could click click click my way down a hall in some heels. and here these girls were, on this night- no longer girls, not quite women, shuffling along. and maybe I'm making too much of it, but it was quite amusing nonetheless.

Somehow whenever I have people over we always end up hanging out in my kitchen. Tonight was no different. We ate, laughed, slept (Mary), sat, and talked on my kitchen floor. I love it. I love these girls. I love their hearts and what they're learning about life and God. I love their dreams, questions, hopes, fears, boyfriends, and first kisses.

Girls are so fun. I love being a girl. Boys are so different, so often afraid to be tender and inviting to each other. Walls are up, pride is there. Girls, we just spill stuff out hoping that our trust won't be wasted.... we hope that saying "what ever we say here stays here!" or "don't tell anyone, but..." is enough. Girls need relationship, we need to be understood, heard, loved. and when it's not coming from anywhere else, atleast it's there in our friends....

:-)

Friday, September 28, 2007

My heart is smiling!

I am happy.



That's about as simple as sentences get. But it's such a huge statement. I'm happy. I am happy. I'M HAPPY! Are you? I really hope so.



I just got done hanging out with Julie, Amanda, and Emily. My 'sisters' that I choose to have in my life. My high school best friends. haha we had a great night. It included Lowell's homecoming football game and then the grand opening of a hot blues "club" downtown. Swing friends were there so I got to do some dancing, and we laughed. We laughed so much. OH and they had Brandon, Matt, Bock... Kyra, Becky, and myself compete aaaand lets just say that Brandon and I won the crowd over... I think it helped that I had my own cheering section in said crowd though. Thanks ladies :-)



aaand today I found the most delightful bouquet of flowers in a gorgeous vase painted just for me by this amazing guy whose eye I have somehow caught. I'm quite smitten with the whole thing, to be completely honest.



Chelsea once asked me, "Leslie, if you walked up to people talking... and just as you approached their conversation you realized that they are talking about you... and the last words out of their mouths are... "Leslie is...." - how would you want that sentence to end?" aaand that is actually a really hard question to come up with an answer to on the spot. But I finally chose genuine. My hearts cry is to be genuine. It's really easy for me to be fake... fake interested.... fake excited.... fake happy... not good, not good at all. But lately I have found that I'm genuinely interested in people. I'm genuinely interested in you Danielle, Josh, Kyra, Chelsea, Brian, Cory.... I genuinely care.



I also wouldn't mind if the next word in that sentence included any of the following either: accepting, loving, humble, fun, feminine, ladylike, serious, funny, outgoing, caring, fierce, a woman, obedient, spontaneous, interesting, intelligent, pretty, determined, successful, deep, an example, a follower of Christ, a disciple of the Living God, honorable, a fighter, loveable, honest....

but to be any of those only on the outside only is empty. So Lord, please let me be all of those things, but let me be them genuinely. Not as a show. Not so that I can get people to like me. Not so I can just make other people happy. Let me genuinely be all of these things, and let me be them all for You.


::sigh:: I'm happy.....

oh and just as a side note. I am compiling a list... sort of a... "suggestions for living fully" list. It's been kind of fun. You know how everyone is always like, "yeah... I like to live life to the fullest"... well what does that mean? I wonder. So, I'm writing things down, observations, lessons, tips, suggestions, ideas down. It's kind of fun. If you have any please comment me.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

All of my memories.....

Can I just go ahead and say that my life is pretty much amazing. I have been having so much fun and such cool memories lately that I need to dedicate another blog entirely to remembering them. "May your life be filled with moments that make your life sooo sweet" well, my life is full of them!

Memory to remember #1: Watching the Lowell Police give Brian, Josh, and myself parking tickets from the safety of a 40 foot tree and making the fastest getaway ever. Ohmygosh it is the coolest story, please ask me to tell it if you haven't heard it already.

Memory to remember #2: Dancing in a swing dance competition! What?! Me, in a competition? silly I know, but we had a blast. Got totally off routine, but had a blast.

Memory to remember #3: Meeting the super cool band Atlantic and hanging out with their funny butts for a few days. Teaching them to swing dance. Going rollerblading from 12:15 to 2:30 in the morning with Josh and Cory. Taking a tour of Lowell the cool way. Having good conversations. Laughing. Looking at the stars.

Memory(ies) to remember #4: Late night excurisions. To the train bridge, to Creekside Kingdom, outsmarting the boys with Cherry, walking around downtown and the Amway Grand, going to the top of the building just to see the view.

Overall the past couple of weeks have been busy, really fun, but very very busy. Lots of dancing, I am getting more into teaching it now. I'm not the best instructor but I can get pretty much anyone doing the basics with a few twists and such.

My latest craze and desire for myself is to be feminine. To be a woman. Not just what God created me to be, but what God created me to be as a woman. I want to be Guinevere, Esther, Ruth, Deborah.... Fierce yet feminine. A lover and a fighter. Funny and serious. Skinny and curvy. Happy and sad. Optimistic and realistic. Honest and brutally honest.

I love this "crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic... awful beautiful life"

This was strictly a post for me. If you enjoyed it great, if you didn't I'm sorry. But I needed it. I need to remember. I need to.

-Leslie

P.S. I want the song "I hope you dance" to be played at my funeral. Is that weird to say? I hope it doesn't ruin the song for anyone but I'm afraid that it is what it is.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Have you seen the one my heart loves?

Have you seen the one my heart loves?
It's a question that burns, a fire I can not dim.
and incase your paths cross before ours do,
I have a few things I wish that you would tell him.

Tell him that I'm waiting,
I'm not going anywhere
Tell him that I'm hoping,
that it's my life I'm willing to share.

Tell him that I'm doing ok
Tell him that I'm alright
Tell him that I do miss him at times
that winning my heart will require a fight

Tell him that I pray for him
but that sometimes I forget
Tell him that I've made mistakes
but now my heart is set

Tell him that I hope he's strong
His faith and heart are true
Tell him that I pray he's been tested
and tried through and through

Tell him that I hope he has waited
singlehood he has known well
Tell him that I know it too
and that at times it has been harder than I can tell.

Tell him that it's going to be a challenge
I can be "difficult" at times
Tell him that God is changing that
and gradually it's becoming His light that shines

Tell him that I'm doing just fine
I have dreams and passions of my own
Tell him that I don't want him until it's Gods time
and I'm the one for him, has been clearly shown.

Tell him that I don't need him
I'm fulfulled in a much Deeper way
but tell him that I want him
so much that words can't sufficiently say...

Tell him that I'm truly happy
my life is right on track
Tell him that I'm quite content
and that I hope he can say the same thing back.

Tell him that we're connected already
he need only say a prayer
Remind him we're talking to the same God
and when I'm not... He's there.

So I ask again, Have you seen the one my heart loves?
It's a question that burns, a fire that will not dim
and incase your paths cross before ours do,
I have a few things I need you to tell him...

Monday, September 3, 2007

Labor Day

Labor day could easily be retitled "Oh crap, summer is almost over?! Day haha

This is going to be such an awesome year. I am so excited for what God has in store. I'm ready to put my extremely fun summer behind me and move into a new season of doing things that really truly matter in this world. I'm excited to make an impact.

1 Corinthians 9 23-24:
"I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

I'm entering the race this year and believe me, it's going to be one heck of a run.

ha, I witnessed this on Saturday:





It was awesome! The biggest upset in college football history, yeah! Now of course I was cheering for Michigan, but I have no vested interest in their success (ahem Go Green!) and let me tell you what, I was so excited for Appalachian State! It was like a real life football movie unfolding in front of my eyes. It was an awesome game that I was so happy to have witnessed. Big thanks to Matt for taking me :)

This poem really spoke to my heart:

As long as I live, I will only love my Lord

With all my heart, strength and mind, I will only love my Lord

Regardless of what happens, I will only love my Lord

In all my actions and words, I will only love my Lord

In times of humility and learning, I will only love my Lord

In times of joy and gladness, I will only love my Lord

Whether I face hunger or if I am full, I will only love my Lord

I am His in life or death, I will only love my Lord.

The Lord has sacrificed His life for me

My deep sin has been pardoned

I have dedicated my life to Him

I will only love my Lord.

-Brother Yun, Chinese Christian

aaaand this finally:

Song of Solomon 3

1 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him.


2 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. "Have you seen the one my heart loves?"

3 Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house, to the room of the one who conceived me

4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

This was an exceptionally random post... wasn't it?

L

Monday, August 27, 2007

I can feel my heart beating

What a journey! What a summer! What a week! What a weekend, to be more specific.

I feel so alive. I need to remember this weekend and it's happenings and feelings and its fullness.

Friday: dance dance! I went to Muskegon with my friends from GRSwing and danced it up in Muskegon. Met some new people, got closer with some acquaintances. Was silly with the ones I'm more comfortable with (ahem Brandon, Jake, and Heather) and learned a new dance. Hoorah! I think the next dance I'm learning is West Coast swing and oh how I long to have an actual partner to learn it with, not a dance partner, but someone who wants to be with me and I want to be with them and we are dancing together, together.

Saturday: Grand Haven with my new friend and kindred spirit Joe. Saturday afternoon was so relaxing and perfect, everything about it was right. The company, the timing, the place... so fun. Saturday night was disappointment and heartache. but Saturday night was also God. and friends. and love. and I wouldn't change anything about it. It was a perfect example of something I wanted not being what God wanted. and bravo to the person who listened to what God wanted.

So then I went to BC Pizza with Brian, Chelsea, and Pokey and we ate breadsticks and went and saw Stardust! Sooo good. I was ready for a good fairy tale.

Sunday Brian and I drove out to Grand Haven and spent the afternoon doing nothing at all, lounging on the beach. Massaging our dreams, talking about the future. I left early to go home and prepare for youth group at the church and connect with some girls there. We went to the high school and prayed over the coming year. How cool is that? I wish I had done things like that when I was in high school. I wish I had had someone who would have done that with me when I was in high school.

Then Pentwater! Josh, Tom, and myself made the drive out after youth group. I really like those guys. I can see God doing things in our friendship... it's going to be an awesome year that's for sure. We arrived at around 11, played some Mafia (of course), talked, and then the three of us went for a rollerblade at 2:45am. Crazy? Possibly. But it was one of my favorite experiences of the summer, and probably the best time I've ever had with either of them.

Plus Jared was there. Jared's home! He gave me the biggest hug I've probably ever received and I felt so loved.

I lived this weekend. I lived, and I loved, and I breathed, I laughed, I cried... and I don't want to forget it. This is a memory blog. This weekend wasn't meant to be recorded in pictures. Like at the pier with Josh and Tom... I was sooo so glad that none of us had a camera. It was such a moment! and it would have been slightly diminished if we had tried to capture it on film..... it was only meant to be lived and remembered. and that's exactly what I'm doing.

L

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Mirror mirror on the wall, whose am I after all?

This has been the most transforming 48 hours I have experienced in quite some time.

Seriously! I feel like I am a completely different person right now than I was 36 hours ago. and the scary thing is that, I feel like I've captured who I was. Who I am. Who I want to be.

It's like the last month or so I have been standing in this steamy bathroom trying desperately to see myself in a mirror that is completely fogged over. I was trying to remember who I was, and what I was about, and what I looked like.... but couldn't make out anything but a blob of a person with hazy lines and no backbone.

and then bam, today, something clicked! I can't even pinpoint exactly what it was. But I feel like Someone reached out and wiped the mirror clean and there I am. Still me. Still here. Still fightin.

I don't necessarily like what I see. But atleast I see it right? Atleast I know what it looks like, how bad it is, what needs to change. What has to change.

and I'm ready to go one more round

I'M ALIVE!!

Sunday, August 5, 2007

New Blog!

Alright, I have no idea why, but I wanted to start a new blog. From what I hear blogging is really good for the Spirit, so here I am. I ocassionally blog on myspace, but that's usually when I have a thought that I really want to share with others or a point that I want to make. Unfortunately, I think that sometimes I just need to record thoughts, ideas, events...

This has been, by far, the most amazing summer of my life. I feel like I've been committing some kind of crime against myself by not keeping a good enough record of it. I just finished a week of counseling at a middle school church camp called Wesley Woods. It was an amazing experience! I was challenged, and it was really refreshing. I feel like I haven't done a lot of terribly difficult things in my life, and last week was really quite difficult at times for me. Of course there were the easy and fun moments, but the week was really challenging for the most part. I learned that there are some things that are broken that I can not fix, no matter how much I want to. I learned that I have to let God take control of some situations. There were times of emotional chaos in my cabin when there was so much tension that it could've been cut with a knife. Times like that I just had to stop and pray and ask God to intervene, because it got to a point when there wasn't much that I could do.

I also met some of the most amazing kids ever. Kids who are kind, easy, fun, hurt, open minded, curious, and unique. Kids who are learning about who they are and who God is. I feel like God was able to use me. I feel like I was able to show them a positive side of living for Jesus. I feel like I spent a week living and learning and pouring out myself and being filled all in the same day.

As far as the rest of the summer goes, I have been dance, dance, dancing! I have made some seriously awesome friends and gotten really close to a few people that I never expected to get close to. I'd say on any given week there are atleast 3 nights when I'm somewhere around Grand Rapids or Lowell dancing my heart out, having fun and loving life. I feel like I'm at this peak, this mountain top.

So between dancing, Harry Potter 7, all of the awesome movies that have come out, the new friendships I've made, the coffee dates with Chelsea and Colleen, the coffee dates with new friends, dancing at church, living with my sister, working with my mom, the occassional massage appointment, camp, Impact church, and my friends, this has been an amazzzzzing summmmerrrrr and I just had to say something about it :-)